What is it about twelve step groups (meetings) that works to keep a person sober? We have no way of knowing.
What is sober? What is not? Is not drinking or using sober? Not under the influence?
What if you are being influenced by unexamined ideas and beliefs?
What is recovered in recovery? The book says "we have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body". Only memories remain, there is no permanently existing individual separate from life, there is no identity who suffers from a thing called alcoholism, these are are all concepts, the you, you believe you are exists only in concepts, there is no independent life anywhere, the idea that there is, is a concept. life cannot be described except as a concept, it can be experienced directly and nonverbal, in that direct and nonverbal experience, without words there is no one there, no entity, just this, this aliveness with no center called I, this is not even what you are, you aren't, there is no identity, just this present experience, the feeling or thought of me is a temporary appearance that can be observed to come and go, as in sleep.
So what is aware of this? No one is aware of this there, it is just the awareness.
Why waste your time chit chatting about God, when you don't even know WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE!
you go to the meeting for the same reason you smoke, so you have the next thing to do, without that next thing to do YOU ARE NUTTIER THAN A SHIT HOUSE RAT, you wait to go to the meeting, then half way through(if you can even make it that far) you are checking your cell phone for the next thing, the next thing is for the meeting to be over, then you can check you cell phone again, then smoke in the parking lot and talk till that becomes boring, then go on to the next thing, but hey,You got a life, a good life, you call it my life. "man this is really living"
This a habitual meaningless movement away from the nothingness that you known you are, come on this comes back to you at night when you try to sleep, no wonder the thought of suicide is a companion, a way out a plan b. No wonder you wake up with anxiety, you better pray to your god, you cannot stop this cycle any more than you can stop playing with yourself.
This is untreated alcoholism, unless you are not an alcoholic, then this is life, what you have to look forward to for the next, how many hours days weeks months, whats called the rest of your life. Was this created by a loving god?
But then I think that without this movement of mind, there is no movement of life. I experience freedom when I just see the movement without a judgement of it, without having to define it. (Been a favorite word of mine lately, "Define") Freedom from the belief that the movement might bring me the next "better moment". More often than not I am caught in that belief however. I struggle between knowing and the belief, it seems. It appears I like to pretend that such a thing as a "better moment" actually exists. And I only believe it when I believe there is disatisfaction with this moment, which appears to be my, more often than not, sense of things. Honestly, I have no freaking clue what a better moment looks like, that's why I like to keep thinking I haven't seen it yet and just keep looking for it with the next inhale. :) Exhale..... nope, not this time, fooled again, shit, well maybe next time.
ReplyDeleteLately I feel caught in a perceived mass delusion of social ideas of what "moving forward" means. Progression. That Better Moment perhaps? Caught in the idea that something is better than it was. What is this thing, but a judgement based on the past.
I do not know what moving forward means anymore, (like I ever did). It feels very confusing to me and I'm struggling with this concept of progression. What does it really mean to progress to that better moment, it doesn't even exist does it? And since it doesn't what the hell is progress? And if I don't know what that looks like how can I get there?
Whose definition of a better moment are we defining here? Lately I'm told I'm having a better today, and that tomorrow will be even better, does that mean I'm agreeing with other's beliefs and definitions? I do not know. When I believe that, of course, I feel that. When I don't really believe it, it feels the same to me. But I appear to be a desperate little coward seeking approval, wanting to be comfortable, so I been agreeing that what I'm doing today is called moving forward, bringing about a better tomorrow for all those involved, when really it's all just the movement of life, agreement or no.
We have recovered from a "seemingly" hopeless state of mind and body. Key word......Seemingly. :)
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