Being Convinced

  Being Convinced

  About nine years into this sobriety I was having problems with my girl friend, I called up my sponsor to tell him my tale of woe, how I was afraid I was going to lose her. Whats wrong with me I asked.

  You are still not convinced he told me, convinced of what I said. A B and C the three pertinent ideas. If you were you wouldn't be calling me, you wouldn't be investing everything in a relationship, especially one you got in AA, you are still trying to find a solution in the human arena. Finding and losing over and over. Your business, your house, your girlfriend, your meetings, your sponsees, III, Me Me Me, Mine Mine Mine, your investment is still in your self.

  What you know about yourself is in the past, let go, you can only find him now.

  It says god could and would if he were sought, if being the operative word. So you believe you found it and now you can go back to living your life just like before.

  I had to look at what he was saying, it was true I'd pulled the AA fuckup, I was trying to live a normal life and squeeze the principals in when they were convenient. For this alcoholic a normal life was not manageable, normal people can drink.

  So I thought I'll go back to the basics, no can't do that I'm not new anymore, the only way to go back is to drink again. Shit that means I have to surrender again, no, I'm not that person who surrendered before.

 Well what the fuck, it feels like its all new again. Wait, isn't that the plan? To have a new life? Not to be stuck in the unmanageable old one. A new life with the benefit of sober experience, and the sober experience is that the past is gone, not here, never to be brought back.

  Got it.