Lets look at the first direction in the Big Book, Try a little controlled drinking. Why would he tell an alcoholic to drink? I believe that unless it was my own personal experience that I couldn't stop, the first step would remain not understandable. Then following a period of sobriety I would fall back into thinking I had it under control. You see this very often in AA.
The idea of a power greater then my self remains just that, an idea. The second direction will only be tried if the first step is believed, if I am convinced.
The second direction is to form my own concept of a power greater then myself, this is the missed direction, the third step remains a concept until this is done.
How often do you here someone say "the group is my higher power" No you heard it from someone else you didn't do the work to form your own. If you don't do the work you don't get the benefit.
What you are left with is people saying that being sober is what this is about. Wrong, If this were about staying sober, just don't drink the first drink and you will be OK, But the book says, you are powerless over that first drink, that is the problem, if this is your thinking you have skipped the first step. Your life is unmanageable because you are powerless over the first drink.
Remember the first step is only a description of the problem, the thinking that proceeds the first drink.
(Now is the time to ask yourself am I really, really powerless over the first drink? If you say "not if I don't take it" you just missed the point)
The second step is a statement of the solution, You agree or don't agree based on the concept YOU formed of a higher power. It will not click if you use an old power or someone else's, not even the old ideas "I just don't know, Or I can't believe" If you are stuck here, go back to the first direction and try some controlled drinking. (you will any way or be sober and suffering). This is not brain surgery, just follow the directions. If your sponsor has done this they can show you how they did it. If they can't show you find someone who can.
The chapter "We Agnostics" is just that, it is addressed to us who can honestly admit we have no knowledge of a power greater then themselves "doing anything", all that is in our "knowledge" is the world around us and it's conditions. God is understood by us as someones imaginary friend. Very quaint.
In "We Agnostics, there are directions for "us" who have honest doubt, and can admit it, to come to an awareness of a power that is right here, right now, and is not in any conflict with any religion.
The book says that from that point on (when we follow the direction) it is "only" speaking to our conception when it speaks of god. To miss this point is to negate a very fundamental direction.
The direction, or suggestion is the recipe, as in do this then that will be evident.
Our "problem" as alcoholics can only be seen from the point of view of the solution, the solution given in following the directions for doing (or taking action on) step two on pages 46 & 47 of the Big Book, without the understanding given by acting on these directions, sobriety will be "maintained" by self knowledge.
Nothing but self knowledge and some vague metaphysical bullshit will be "passed on" to a newcomer.
The cornerstone of the solution that "self in it's various manifestations" is the problem will be overlooked.
My experience is a magic happens in the process of coming up with my own higher power.
Maybe it was the release from doing the same thing and expecting different results. It made all the difference in working the steps. This time I stayed.
The only thing worse than being drunk and knowing about AA, is sitting in an AA meeting and suffering sober if you call that sober.
You will know if you have done this by your own willingness to work the steps.
This is not a topic for meetings, this is only for the one on one, discussion meetings are the other way of doing AA.
They (the meetings) are the substitute for the taking action on the second step. They give the new alcoholic something to do, to take the focus off the problem, to change the way he feels.
The solution is in the following the directions in the book, not in the meetings.
Meetings change, the directions in the book don't, everything is discussed in the meetings, only the directions are discussed in the book.
The common solution is an "understanding" a common understanding. As "we' (as opposed to "me") understand it. If this seems a little confusing, guess what?
The book says "little or nothing can be accomplished until this understanding is reached". Until you know what this understanding is, what are you passing on?
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
You is the Disease
The Disease Is taking your self Seriously
I could just leave it here, this says it all, if you really did a second step, this is obvious.
We suffer from taking our "selves' too serious.
There is no self, there is only you.
Don't drag me into your own private Hell.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Kill the Head, (and the body will die)
What is myself?
An individual is one who is undivided. An undivided individual has no other self, is aware of no other self or awareness, To speak or think of myself is mental division. To speak to or think or think of myself mentally, is to divide the individual. For example, to say to myself "I am stupid"
Or " I am better then that, or I should have known better" is to already believe I am divided.
This can be seen to be a belief. But the practice of doing this is habitual. The habitual activity is to tell "myself stories" about what is happening around me, since the stories are coming from "myself" "I" habitually believe them. They are always false. This is self reliance, this produces fear.
This is a false sense of self. After a period of time this activity becomes uncomfortable, then painful. This suffering produces an activity which seeks to relieve the suffering. I become aware "I" am suffering, suffering from a belief that I the awareness has a secondary me.
There is no secondary me, the belief there is, is the suffering, is the search for relief in what is not me.
This is the bondage to self.
The habit becomes so ingrained, "I" see everything through the filter of me, it is always distorted. Everything is seen in terms of relieving the suffering, reality becomes the raw material, for the "me's" escape through fantasy of sex and violence. The insatiable need for security arises, and food becomes a preoccupation.
I cannot escape from this, as the problem does not exist in reality, I cannot solve "my" own imaginary problem. But as is by now evident, this split is insane, IE, not in reality, realities only use is for raw material for escape fantasies.
This is a spiritual dilemma.
Everything I sense reinforces the split. My senses have been turned against me by myself.
The imaginary self I believe I have is threatened by everything, because it suspects it is imaginary, so to protect it self, it projects the threat outside itself, then its raw material for its own fantasies becomes threatening. The very idea of trust is threatening.
This is exacerbated by holding conversations with myself, some times in the third person, IE, "I should have said this to them, I'm not going to be treated this way" "from now on this is the way I'm going to handle that type of situation". Giving myself advice.
Never asking the one question that leads to freedom, "Who is the my in myself?"
When this me becomes acute the need to isolate seems to provide security at the cost of turning more inward, the self conversations become centered on fixing the problem, and trying to ignore it.
Finally the light comes on, "kill the head and the body will die" it's the only way out, poison the fucking bastard and the it's voice will stop, then I'll have some peace.
What ever happens don't tell anyone, they will think you are insane, and you know it's not you it's yourself.
When you can admit it's you that is crazy you become sane, you see there is no myself, there is just I. You were only caught in a cliche, "me, myself and I" or as some people who have woken up to this truth call it the ism, "the I, the self, and the me.
Acting your way into sanity, coming out of the world "I" live in with myself, examining all the past stories, and telling them to someone, going out into the world and repairing the damage, then showing, some other schizoid the way out.
You are left with a single I, that does not have to die.
An individual is one who is undivided. An undivided individual has no other self, is aware of no other self or awareness, To speak or think of myself is mental division. To speak to or think or think of myself mentally, is to divide the individual. For example, to say to myself "I am stupid"
Or " I am better then that, or I should have known better" is to already believe I am divided.
This can be seen to be a belief. But the practice of doing this is habitual. The habitual activity is to tell "myself stories" about what is happening around me, since the stories are coming from "myself" "I" habitually believe them. They are always false. This is self reliance, this produces fear.
This is a false sense of self. After a period of time this activity becomes uncomfortable, then painful. This suffering produces an activity which seeks to relieve the suffering. I become aware "I" am suffering, suffering from a belief that I the awareness has a secondary me.
There is no secondary me, the belief there is, is the suffering, is the search for relief in what is not me.
This is the bondage to self.
The habit becomes so ingrained, "I" see everything through the filter of me, it is always distorted. Everything is seen in terms of relieving the suffering, reality becomes the raw material, for the "me's" escape through fantasy of sex and violence. The insatiable need for security arises, and food becomes a preoccupation.
I cannot escape from this, as the problem does not exist in reality, I cannot solve "my" own imaginary problem. But as is by now evident, this split is insane, IE, not in reality, realities only use is for raw material for escape fantasies.
This is a spiritual dilemma.
Everything I sense reinforces the split. My senses have been turned against me by myself.
The imaginary self I believe I have is threatened by everything, because it suspects it is imaginary, so to protect it self, it projects the threat outside itself, then its raw material for its own fantasies becomes threatening. The very idea of trust is threatening.
This is exacerbated by holding conversations with myself, some times in the third person, IE, "I should have said this to them, I'm not going to be treated this way" "from now on this is the way I'm going to handle that type of situation". Giving myself advice.
Never asking the one question that leads to freedom, "Who is the my in myself?"
When this me becomes acute the need to isolate seems to provide security at the cost of turning more inward, the self conversations become centered on fixing the problem, and trying to ignore it.
Finally the light comes on, "kill the head and the body will die" it's the only way out, poison the fucking bastard and the it's voice will stop, then I'll have some peace.
What ever happens don't tell anyone, they will think you are insane, and you know it's not you it's yourself.
When you can admit it's you that is crazy you become sane, you see there is no myself, there is just I. You were only caught in a cliche, "me, myself and I" or as some people who have woken up to this truth call it the ism, "the I, the self, and the me.
Acting your way into sanity, coming out of the world "I" live in with myself, examining all the past stories, and telling them to someone, going out into the world and repairing the damage, then showing, some other schizoid the way out.
You are left with a single I, that does not have to die.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Happens All the Time
What is this? What do I mean by this, this, call it the present moment experience and all it includes.
Where is it coming from? How is this happening, including the sense of me in it.
Would this "be" if there was not a me? Is there a me seeing an out there? It all seems so intimate.
Could I know I am if not for what I am surrounded by? Why this sense of standing apart from all this? Could this sense of standing apart be inherent in this? Than that would be this too. But this standing apart makes me uneasy, why? Could it be uneasy is also included, it seems so.
But back to how is this happening. I can read books or talk to people about what this is, but that always leads away from this, I become caught in the ideas about this, but aren't the ideas about this, included in this?
Can I ever be lead away from this? Where would I go? This always seems to be my starting point, and my ending place. Can I call this here? Yes this and here feel the same. I see trying to explain this somehow takes away the wonder of this, and leaves a sense of unease. But the exploring of it inhales this feeling of self, I forget myself in the wonder of here.
When I believe I know what this is, it becomes old. The truth be told, I don't know what this is, I can only wonder, and lose myself it it, or believe I know what it is, and feel the unease. It seems that both these different attitudes are included in this.
But honestly, it appears I don't know what this is but somehow I do, I can't banish either of these two attitudes, they come and go as they will, but still the knowing and the not knowing are dependent on this/here, without this neither could be, I am dependent on this to be, but the I and this seem to be much the same, I can't find the dividing line.
If there is no division then there is not two, but there seems to be a division, could that division be what the mind is? But these questions are also included in this.
It is like an apple, are the seeds the apple, or part of the apple? But they are both made of the same stuff. So I and this, this present moment experience are made of the same stuff, only divided by word thoughts, ideas and concepts, nothing is not included. Nothing is excluded.
Can I experience this, this here and now, without words? Yes, but there is no memory of what happens when there is direct experience without words. There is only this. And what can you say about this, only that it is empty of mental content. Even when I close my eyes there is that knowing, that is empty of mental content. There can be thought, but the knowing itself is empty of mental content, thought appears in the knowing. The knowing includes everything, but itself remains empty of mental content. By knowing the content it is the content, but the thoughts cannot touch it, there can be no, true actual living memory of the emptiness of mental content.
I can only know this now, and the I that knows it disappears in the wonder of it.
You can do this yourself. Just relax into this without words, wonder with out words, you will have no memory of the experience, you can have no memory of yourself disappearing, nothing to get.
This is really not so weird, it happens every night. It happens all the time.
Where is it coming from? How is this happening, including the sense of me in it.
Would this "be" if there was not a me? Is there a me seeing an out there? It all seems so intimate.
Could I know I am if not for what I am surrounded by? Why this sense of standing apart from all this? Could this sense of standing apart be inherent in this? Than that would be this too. But this standing apart makes me uneasy, why? Could it be uneasy is also included, it seems so.
But back to how is this happening. I can read books or talk to people about what this is, but that always leads away from this, I become caught in the ideas about this, but aren't the ideas about this, included in this?
Can I ever be lead away from this? Where would I go? This always seems to be my starting point, and my ending place. Can I call this here? Yes this and here feel the same. I see trying to explain this somehow takes away the wonder of this, and leaves a sense of unease. But the exploring of it inhales this feeling of self, I forget myself in the wonder of here.
When I believe I know what this is, it becomes old. The truth be told, I don't know what this is, I can only wonder, and lose myself it it, or believe I know what it is, and feel the unease. It seems that both these different attitudes are included in this.
But honestly, it appears I don't know what this is but somehow I do, I can't banish either of these two attitudes, they come and go as they will, but still the knowing and the not knowing are dependent on this/here, without this neither could be, I am dependent on this to be, but the I and this seem to be much the same, I can't find the dividing line.
If there is no division then there is not two, but there seems to be a division, could that division be what the mind is? But these questions are also included in this.
It is like an apple, are the seeds the apple, or part of the apple? But they are both made of the same stuff. So I and this, this present moment experience are made of the same stuff, only divided by word thoughts, ideas and concepts, nothing is not included. Nothing is excluded.
Can I experience this, this here and now, without words? Yes, but there is no memory of what happens when there is direct experience without words. There is only this. And what can you say about this, only that it is empty of mental content. Even when I close my eyes there is that knowing, that is empty of mental content. There can be thought, but the knowing itself is empty of mental content, thought appears in the knowing. The knowing includes everything, but itself remains empty of mental content. By knowing the content it is the content, but the thoughts cannot touch it, there can be no, true actual living memory of the emptiness of mental content.
I can only know this now, and the I that knows it disappears in the wonder of it.
You can do this yourself. Just relax into this without words, wonder with out words, you will have no memory of the experience, you can have no memory of yourself disappearing, nothing to get.
This is really not so weird, it happens every night. It happens all the time.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
One day at a Time is practice for Now
We believe reality is all we perceive, a reality laid out before us and for us, when in truth all that is perceived is only pointing to what is.
When the mind is turned toward its source now, what is called existence is coming into being, not as mind sees, observing apparent pre-existing "things", But as only now, only now.
This source is known to itself as I, there is only one I, source of mind, not mind
There is no pre-existing present moment.
Mind comes after.
Before the present moment nothing exists.
There is no pre-existing source.
There is no place where all is coming from.
There is no place where all is going to.
There is no place to move forward to.
There is no position to fall back on.
This alone is
Now the only real question is "where do I fit in"
Do you see the illusion now? 0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1...
When the mind is turned toward its source now, what is called existence is coming into being, not as mind sees, observing apparent pre-existing "things", But as only now, only now.
This source is known to itself as I, there is only one I, source of mind, not mind
There is no pre-existing present moment.
Mind comes after.
Before the present moment nothing exists.
There is no pre-existing source.
There is no place where all is coming from.
There is no place where all is going to.
There is no place to move forward to.
There is no position to fall back on.
This alone is
Now the only real question is "where do I fit in"
Do you see the illusion now? 0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1...
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
A Reality of my very Own
A Reality of My Very Own! (where the fuck does the imagination leave off?)
I is a False Center
Center is a concept, pointing to everything.
False is a concept, pointing to nothing.
I is a concept, pointing to this steady appearing everything, and to the perception of it, the source cannot be perceived, as it is also the perception, it cannot be understood, as it cannot be conceptualized. This concept can be understood. This can only be realized nonverbally.
With the entrance of the one word this wholeness seems to begin dividing. One word creates something out of nothing, this is also a concept, but can be realized nonverbally.
The one word seen as apart from the whole creates a world of separate objects, all perceived objects are perceived as separate, this is illusion. It is also a concept. all words strung together are concepts, an attempt by the mind (which is also a concept) to put the world back together, this must fail, as the concept that the world is separate is false.
Based on this false premise any attempt to create structure leads to chaos, and the minds attempt to conceptually restore the whole.
Nothing can be done to correct this, it can only be seen and left alone.
Starting from the point of view of chaos and looking for peace or wholeness is not possible.
Starting from wholeness is the solution. A me cannot exist in wholeness, any peace it finds will be conceptional conditional peace, only temporary. This is not peace but only relief, there is no permanent relief, except from the self, which can be seen to be a concept, can only seem to have existence as a concept, out side of the concept of me or self it has no existence, in the whole.
If the idea, me or self did not exist, what would that be like? Try to imagine.
Until a personal understanding of reality is gained and applied, the only hope is temporary relief, the seeing of this leads to despair.
This despair, is to be welcomed as it leads to disillusionment. To try to gain an understanding of god or spirit is delusional, without an understanding of YOUR own reality to base it on.
Effort is needed to gain a personal understanding of reality, the effort is towards relaxing.
Toward seeing the self evident. No concepts are needed to be. The repeated use of concepts is a habit, they give a feeling of some thing to do next, an artificial purpose, the purpose of getting to the next thing.
A sense of liveness is temporarily experienced, but it fades, it is conditional, the condition is getting to the next thing.
When you do nothing you are nothing, when you abandon conceptual thinking you are not a thing "without thought I'm nothing" Yes, But without thought you are everything.
All of this is conceptual, it will remain that way until you make the effort to come up with your own unshakable concept of reality, so you say it will still be a concept, yes until you take the action of doing it , action is not a concept, a slap is not conceptual it is action.
This does not take intellect, a child has an understanding, nonverbally of reality, so does an animal.
Intellect works against you until you make the effort, then it works for you.
You are not trying to come up with some thing new, you are trying to see what is already there, no intellect is required. If it is your own understanding it was already there, if it wasn't already there you can disregard it.
Questioning this without trying it leaves you where you are at now, Is this good news?
You will know you found it when the weight comes off, Aha, then you can begin from reality, your own, to see what appears to get in the way. A pin sticking you does not require a concept to understand.
You cannot think your way into a new way of living, you act your way into a new way of seeing, This new way is really not new, but it is, it is based on your own understanding. No more Baa.
For example, this is just pointing, it is still a concept, "What is reality? Could it be what really is? What is? This, whatever this is, right here right now is. If it is not right here right now it isn't.
This can be a starting point, or find your own, actually any word can be used. The word started this, it will pull you out if you make the effort, reading this will not help, doing it will.
Keep going back to that point where you came into existence, "What are you saying you have no knowledge of the biggest event in your life?" "How can this be?" Could my coming into existence be a concept? Remember sunrise and sunset are concepts, but you see them, the earth revolves.
What is reality? finding your own concept is totally doable. Lets find out, "just where the fuck does your imagination leave off?"
I is a False Center
Center is a concept, pointing to everything.
False is a concept, pointing to nothing.
I is a concept, pointing to this steady appearing everything, and to the perception of it, the source cannot be perceived, as it is also the perception, it cannot be understood, as it cannot be conceptualized. This concept can be understood. This can only be realized nonverbally.
With the entrance of the one word this wholeness seems to begin dividing. One word creates something out of nothing, this is also a concept, but can be realized nonverbally.
The one word seen as apart from the whole creates a world of separate objects, all perceived objects are perceived as separate, this is illusion. It is also a concept. all words strung together are concepts, an attempt by the mind (which is also a concept) to put the world back together, this must fail, as the concept that the world is separate is false.
Based on this false premise any attempt to create structure leads to chaos, and the minds attempt to conceptually restore the whole.
Nothing can be done to correct this, it can only be seen and left alone.
Starting from the point of view of chaos and looking for peace or wholeness is not possible.
Starting from wholeness is the solution. A me cannot exist in wholeness, any peace it finds will be conceptional conditional peace, only temporary. This is not peace but only relief, there is no permanent relief, except from the self, which can be seen to be a concept, can only seem to have existence as a concept, out side of the concept of me or self it has no existence, in the whole.
If the idea, me or self did not exist, what would that be like? Try to imagine.
Until a personal understanding of reality is gained and applied, the only hope is temporary relief, the seeing of this leads to despair.
This despair, is to be welcomed as it leads to disillusionment. To try to gain an understanding of god or spirit is delusional, without an understanding of YOUR own reality to base it on.
Effort is needed to gain a personal understanding of reality, the effort is towards relaxing.
Toward seeing the self evident. No concepts are needed to be. The repeated use of concepts is a habit, they give a feeling of some thing to do next, an artificial purpose, the purpose of getting to the next thing.
A sense of liveness is temporarily experienced, but it fades, it is conditional, the condition is getting to the next thing.
When you do nothing you are nothing, when you abandon conceptual thinking you are not a thing "without thought I'm nothing" Yes, But without thought you are everything.
All of this is conceptual, it will remain that way until you make the effort to come up with your own unshakable concept of reality, so you say it will still be a concept, yes until you take the action of doing it , action is not a concept, a slap is not conceptual it is action.
This does not take intellect, a child has an understanding, nonverbally of reality, so does an animal.
Intellect works against you until you make the effort, then it works for you.
You are not trying to come up with some thing new, you are trying to see what is already there, no intellect is required. If it is your own understanding it was already there, if it wasn't already there you can disregard it.
Questioning this without trying it leaves you where you are at now, Is this good news?
You will know you found it when the weight comes off, Aha, then you can begin from reality, your own, to see what appears to get in the way. A pin sticking you does not require a concept to understand.
You cannot think your way into a new way of living, you act your way into a new way of seeing, This new way is really not new, but it is, it is based on your own understanding. No more Baa.
For example, this is just pointing, it is still a concept, "What is reality? Could it be what really is? What is? This, whatever this is, right here right now is. If it is not right here right now it isn't.
This can be a starting point, or find your own, actually any word can be used. The word started this, it will pull you out if you make the effort, reading this will not help, doing it will.
Keep going back to that point where you came into existence, "What are you saying you have no knowledge of the biggest event in your life?" "How can this be?" Could my coming into existence be a concept? Remember sunrise and sunset are concepts, but you see them, the earth revolves.
What is reality? finding your own concept is totally doable. Lets find out, "just where the fuck does your imagination leave off?"
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Am I a Flake
Am I a Flake? Do I act flaky? Do I talk flaky? Do I talk to myself? Do I have conversations with myself and imaginary people in my mind? Does this habit of doing this unknowingly divide my mind? Do I find myself trying to make myself feel better about myself?
How much time do I spend in this imaginary activity, 2 hours a day, 6, 12? Do I even notice I'm doing this? Or does this seem normal. Normal for a Flake. Is this activity of engaging with an imaginary me confusing me about which one I am, am I the one giving the advice, or commenting on a past experience or the one receiving it? Am I teaching myself I'm not whole, how long have I been doing this? Does this activity effect the way I see life.
Goddamn it, I'm not a flake, your the flake
Do I seek out others to agree with me? Do I find in me a need to do this? Do I get a temporary comfort from this. how about when I want to stop smoking or doing some other habitual behavior, does there seem to be a part of me that whines, that I can't bring under control, that sounds pretty flaky to me, Do I seek out other flakes to feel comfortable? Am I intimidated by some one who points this out to me, do I avoid that type of person by projecting my flakiness on to them?
Do I seem to have a problem feeling happiness for no reason? Am I constantly feeling a lack or missing something, always feeling a need to have something next to do, does the idea of nothing to do disturb me? Do I seek out exciting people to fill this lack, do I really believe there are special people?
If you answered yes to even one of these questions you are a flake.
But really, this is only the surface isn't it. We haven't started to dig under the nails, there is still that rich inner life, the fantasys you entertain yourself with, Wanna look at that? No!
Well maybe some other time, and listen don't worry, I not going to tell any one whats really going on down there, you know, where you really live. I might not even tell you.
How much time do I spend in this imaginary activity, 2 hours a day, 6, 12? Do I even notice I'm doing this? Or does this seem normal. Normal for a Flake. Is this activity of engaging with an imaginary me confusing me about which one I am, am I the one giving the advice, or commenting on a past experience or the one receiving it? Am I teaching myself I'm not whole, how long have I been doing this? Does this activity effect the way I see life.
Goddamn it, I'm not a flake, your the flake
Do I seek out others to agree with me? Do I find in me a need to do this? Do I get a temporary comfort from this. how about when I want to stop smoking or doing some other habitual behavior, does there seem to be a part of me that whines, that I can't bring under control, that sounds pretty flaky to me, Do I seek out other flakes to feel comfortable? Am I intimidated by some one who points this out to me, do I avoid that type of person by projecting my flakiness on to them?
Do I seem to have a problem feeling happiness for no reason? Am I constantly feeling a lack or missing something, always feeling a need to have something next to do, does the idea of nothing to do disturb me? Do I seek out exciting people to fill this lack, do I really believe there are special people?
If you answered yes to even one of these questions you are a flake.
But really, this is only the surface isn't it. We haven't started to dig under the nails, there is still that rich inner life, the fantasys you entertain yourself with, Wanna look at that? No!
Well maybe some other time, and listen don't worry, I not going to tell any one whats really going on down there, you know, where you really live. I might not even tell you.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Examine Yor own Self
What is it about twelve step groups (meetings) that works to keep a person sober? We have no way of knowing.
What is sober? What is not? Is not drinking or using sober? Not under the influence?
What if you are being influenced by unexamined ideas and beliefs?
What is recovered in recovery? The book says "we have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body". Only memories remain, there is no permanently existing individual separate from life, there is no identity who suffers from a thing called alcoholism, these are are all concepts, the you, you believe you are exists only in concepts, there is no independent life anywhere, the idea that there is, is a concept. life cannot be described except as a concept, it can be experienced directly and nonverbal, in that direct and nonverbal experience, without words there is no one there, no entity, just this, this aliveness with no center called I, this is not even what you are, you aren't, there is no identity, just this present experience, the feeling or thought of me is a temporary appearance that can be observed to come and go, as in sleep.
So what is aware of this? No one is aware of this there, it is just the awareness.
Why waste your time chit chatting about God, when you don't even know WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE!
you go to the meeting for the same reason you smoke, so you have the next thing to do, without that next thing to do YOU ARE NUTTIER THAN A SHIT HOUSE RAT, you wait to go to the meeting, then half way through(if you can even make it that far) you are checking your cell phone for the next thing, the next thing is for the meeting to be over, then you can check you cell phone again, then smoke in the parking lot and talk till that becomes boring, then go on to the next thing, but hey,You got a life, a good life, you call it my life. "man this is really living"
This a habitual meaningless movement away from the nothingness that you known you are, come on this comes back to you at night when you try to sleep, no wonder the thought of suicide is a companion, a way out a plan b. No wonder you wake up with anxiety, you better pray to your god, you cannot stop this cycle any more than you can stop playing with yourself.
This is untreated alcoholism, unless you are not an alcoholic, then this is life, what you have to look forward to for the next, how many hours days weeks months, whats called the rest of your life. Was this created by a loving god?
What is sober? What is not? Is not drinking or using sober? Not under the influence?
What if you are being influenced by unexamined ideas and beliefs?
What is recovered in recovery? The book says "we have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body". Only memories remain, there is no permanently existing individual separate from life, there is no identity who suffers from a thing called alcoholism, these are are all concepts, the you, you believe you are exists only in concepts, there is no independent life anywhere, the idea that there is, is a concept. life cannot be described except as a concept, it can be experienced directly and nonverbal, in that direct and nonverbal experience, without words there is no one there, no entity, just this, this aliveness with no center called I, this is not even what you are, you aren't, there is no identity, just this present experience, the feeling or thought of me is a temporary appearance that can be observed to come and go, as in sleep.
So what is aware of this? No one is aware of this there, it is just the awareness.
Why waste your time chit chatting about God, when you don't even know WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE!
you go to the meeting for the same reason you smoke, so you have the next thing to do, without that next thing to do YOU ARE NUTTIER THAN A SHIT HOUSE RAT, you wait to go to the meeting, then half way through(if you can even make it that far) you are checking your cell phone for the next thing, the next thing is for the meeting to be over, then you can check you cell phone again, then smoke in the parking lot and talk till that becomes boring, then go on to the next thing, but hey,You got a life, a good life, you call it my life. "man this is really living"
This a habitual meaningless movement away from the nothingness that you known you are, come on this comes back to you at night when you try to sleep, no wonder the thought of suicide is a companion, a way out a plan b. No wonder you wake up with anxiety, you better pray to your god, you cannot stop this cycle any more than you can stop playing with yourself.
This is untreated alcoholism, unless you are not an alcoholic, then this is life, what you have to look forward to for the next, how many hours days weeks months, whats called the rest of your life. Was this created by a loving god?
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Renaming God
Renaming God
I was lying in bed looking at a discussion I had with a friend where I became aggressive. I later apologized, but it happened. How could I have done better? Wasn't the way I was seeing things the problem? I was reacting to the way I saw them. For example if I believed I saw God in everyone my reactions would show that.
All of a sudden I got an inspired idea, what if I renamed God "Fred". How would that work?
I mean I could say I don't think I'm Fred, but Fred is me. Besides that I know that deep down inside Fred is there, I have no doubt about that. I know that Fred is always with me, always has been, through the good times and bad.
I can know that Fred inspired this idea in me, Fred is the inspiration for all my ideas, Who else could it be?
He is always seeing me, knows all my thoughts, all my motives, I can't lie to Fred.
Its real easy to talk to Fred he is always there, he never judges me or condemns me, always gives me another chance, so far.
So the the real test will be can I see Fred in you, can I treat you as Fred wants me to treat myself, And I know that Fred wants me to be happy, joyous, and free. He wants the best for me and if he is in you he wants the best for you.
I guess there is nothing wrong with the word God, but is so damn impersonal, so kinda churchy, so full of changing meanings. I have to wonder most of the time if he is here, but I can always feel Fred's presence, Fred even told me when I asked him, can I call you Fred, sure no problem, he doesn't get hung upon names, Wow, I really heard him speaking in my mind, hey, Fred is that you in there, yah, its me.
I even got the sense that when I opened my eyes this morning, I was looking into the mind of Fred. Like everything I see is in Fred's mind, and all I'm really seeing is Fred everywhere, in all his different changing forms. He is like the background and containing everything, sights, sounds smells, taste, hot, cold, ideas thoughts, emotions, everything that can be conceived, is conceived in the mind of Fred. Even me and you, and its all being shared at no cost or obligation, no strings attached, shit he is even sharing this knowledge with me.
He told me when I am seeing him in all his forms I am in consciousness contact with him, and I am one of his forms, that comes and gos in him. If i'm real quiet and pay attention to what isn't coming and going I move closer to him, Wow he is this awareness that all this is happening in, Fred's awareness.
He is always available right here right now, actually that is the only time he "is". What a mind blower, Fred is always right here right now, that is the only reality, everything else is imagination, Fred's imagination, shit I always knew that, thanks for reminding me Fred, "thats what I'm here for".
Friday, February 3, 2012
Being Convinced
Being Convinced
About nine years into this sobriety I was having problems with my girl friend, I called up my sponsor to tell him my tale of woe, how I was afraid I was going to lose her. Whats wrong with me I asked.
You are still not convinced he told me, convinced of what I said. A B and C the three pertinent ideas. If you were you wouldn't be calling me, you wouldn't be investing everything in a relationship, especially one you got in AA, you are still trying to find a solution in the human arena. Finding and losing over and over. Your business, your house, your girlfriend, your meetings, your sponsees, III, Me Me Me, Mine Mine Mine, your investment is still in your self.
What you know about yourself is in the past, let go, you can only find him now.
It says god could and would if he were sought, if being the operative word. So you believe you found it and now you can go back to living your life just like before.
I had to look at what he was saying, it was true I'd pulled the AA fuckup, I was trying to live a normal life and squeeze the principals in when they were convenient. For this alcoholic a normal life was not manageable, normal people can drink.
So I thought I'll go back to the basics, no can't do that I'm not new anymore, the only way to go back is to drink again. Shit that means I have to surrender again, no, I'm not that person who surrendered before.
Well what the fuck, it feels like its all new again. Wait, isn't that the plan? To have a new life? Not to be stuck in the unmanageable old one. A new life with the benefit of sober experience, and the sober experience is that the past is gone, not here, never to be brought back.
Got it.
About nine years into this sobriety I was having problems with my girl friend, I called up my sponsor to tell him my tale of woe, how I was afraid I was going to lose her. Whats wrong with me I asked.
You are still not convinced he told me, convinced of what I said. A B and C the three pertinent ideas. If you were you wouldn't be calling me, you wouldn't be investing everything in a relationship, especially one you got in AA, you are still trying to find a solution in the human arena. Finding and losing over and over. Your business, your house, your girlfriend, your meetings, your sponsees, III, Me Me Me, Mine Mine Mine, your investment is still in your self.
What you know about yourself is in the past, let go, you can only find him now.
It says god could and would if he were sought, if being the operative word. So you believe you found it and now you can go back to living your life just like before.
I had to look at what he was saying, it was true I'd pulled the AA fuckup, I was trying to live a normal life and squeeze the principals in when they were convenient. For this alcoholic a normal life was not manageable, normal people can drink.
So I thought I'll go back to the basics, no can't do that I'm not new anymore, the only way to go back is to drink again. Shit that means I have to surrender again, no, I'm not that person who surrendered before.
Well what the fuck, it feels like its all new again. Wait, isn't that the plan? To have a new life? Not to be stuck in the unmanageable old one. A new life with the benefit of sober experience, and the sober experience is that the past is gone, not here, never to be brought back.
Got it.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The Power of Recognition
The Power of Recognition
Actually, in reality, what is this power that allows, or enables us to function? To live and move about? How do we learn, do our jobs, find our way home at the end of the day? What is giving us this ability to even know that we are?
How do you know who you are? where you are. You can never know why you are.
The mind has or is this power of recognition. And it is always, always doing this without stopping except during deep dreamless sleep. It uses words or thoughts and images, ideas, concepts, and most of all beliefs to hold it all together.
;Well where do you or I fit into all this? That is the point exactly. We are enmeshed in this process and cannot separate ourselves out. Where could we stand out side of this process to do this? If we we could, how would we recognize who or where we are to see anything. Out side of this process of recognition we can't know anything, even who we are.
But, But, But something is aware of this recognition process, when it is pointed out it is seen to be happening, and what is happening in it is that a story is going on, or ongoing.
The story of my "life" of what I "believe" of what my relationship to "my god" is or is not, I even call it my beliefs. Beliefs are stories of how things are, and what they mean.
This story being referred to as my faith, is this story told to me by someone else, in the
deepest part of me I know this is a story of "my" religion, and its story of what "god" is, and how all of this life came about.
What if I came up with my own story? Where would I start? What do I know absolutely for sure that I could start with? Like a clean slate.
Let's see, I am here, I know that for sure, How did I get here? Where or when did I suddenly appear? I know the story my parents told me about how I was born, but that is their story, and I'm trying to do my own. In my own personal experience is there any evidence I just popped into this life? No it seems I have always been here. That is my experience.
So based on what I really know and not what I have been told, my story would start, I have always been. (that kinda blows away a lot of old ideas). So I have always been, and then what? What comes next? Well what about my past? What about my story? Is it possible that my past has become just a story? If I can tell it then it is what it is. And, a story is a belief about what happened back there, back then. Does it exist now? Yes as a story.
So, If I am going to be responsible, and accountable, and honest to myself, I have to admit all I really know are stories, except for right now I know I am, this is real, stories are not, stories are just stories, beliefs about what is not now, or about "the future". If I remove the label "stories" then what would I be referring to about me? Images and thoughts about the past. If I removed the label past, could I even refer to anything not now? What could I say about myself without these labels, my story my past? What can I say about myself now that is true?
I could describe my body, my present thoughts, my feelings now. But as soon as I do this they are gone too. And then my descriptions become a story. So I understand I know nothing about what I call myself, this me has no history, it never came into existence in the past, except in a story. This is all being recognized, but only now. Only I only now, the rest is a story a dream.
Can this be true? How can I prove this to myself? Prove it so it is not just another story, another belief.
Let's see, Can I get away from this "now"? Is there somewhere I can go to not be here? Try.
Can I not be "I"? Can I be something else? Try.
I need to remove all doubts, can't I escape into a fantasy of the past or the future? Try.
What about if I get really drunk or stoned? Try.
What If I fall in deep love and lose myself to a really beautiful person? Try.
What if I go back to my "childhood religion" and beg forgiveness? Try. OK, I'll try another religion, that's it, I'll lose myself it trying religions. OK try.
What if I just tell myself this shit is crazy, and I don't believe any of it, and just go back to being what I used to be, before I heard about all this self examination crap, thats it I can ignore this stuff, and just not drink, and go to the meetings even more, and really pretend I'm happy, and fool everyone, and get into service, and get a better job, go back to school, yeah its never to late to learn, then get a better place to live and a really good relationship. You tried it, how did it work for you?
Tell your self I'm not aware, I'm not here now. Does that work? But here now sucks, its boring, dull, it makes me uncomfortable, kind of restless, irritable, discontent, like trying to quit smoking, I don't know what to do with myself, can't I just play with myself to get some relief?
This is no fun, Fuck this, this being here with this awareness that I'm here, is why the fuck I drank, Good now you know what to surrender to. (you thought you surrendered to some god in your imagination didn't you?) You surrender to this, you can't take it back. It's the end of you.
Now you know what your self is. Its not going to make it. That thing that can't be in the present moment, it's made up of stories about how to get out of the present, that's all it is.
But I got a bad feeling about this, can't I do this later, you know in the future some time, I got a lot going for me now, being sober and everything. Really my whole life is ahead of me, I mean come on nobody believes, or understands that getting rid of self crap that's just words in a book, not drinking is the important part. Yes, but look your not drinking now and your still suffering, whats even worse your endorsing your condition as sobriety and trying to sell it to other people, no guilt there huh? You are really surrendering that part that feels like a fraud. Yeah, but that's me. So? give it up. But I'm the only me I got.
Well at least you see that when your confronted you back away. The confront is always the same, the circumstances might be different, but the confront is the same, and it always comes now, you can never be "ready" for it. How do you get ready for the present moment, that's the "ego" who you take your self to be. Yeah but the fear. The fear is just kicking you in the ass, trying to motivate you to let go, that's its job. The suffering, the fear, the insecurity, caused by self reliance, a self you know is a fraud. The belief it is "you" is the bondage, the glue, the bad feeling s are just motivators, they are really love encouraging you to let go, but you believe their bad and want to get rid of them, come on didn't they bring you in here in the first place, you are the one judging them, playing god. So come on just do the examination, I can point this out but you have to do the work, just look inside yourself at the old ideas, do you want to keep the defects?
Fuck this,You keep saying the same things over and over and I don't feel I'm progressing. I'm sober now so I must be doing something right, I need a new sponsor, how could I have fooled myself? You got nothing I want.
And so it goes.
Actually, in reality, what is this power that allows, or enables us to function? To live and move about? How do we learn, do our jobs, find our way home at the end of the day? What is giving us this ability to even know that we are?
How do you know who you are? where you are. You can never know why you are.
The mind has or is this power of recognition. And it is always, always doing this without stopping except during deep dreamless sleep. It uses words or thoughts and images, ideas, concepts, and most of all beliefs to hold it all together.
;Well where do you or I fit into all this? That is the point exactly. We are enmeshed in this process and cannot separate ourselves out. Where could we stand out side of this process to do this? If we we could, how would we recognize who or where we are to see anything. Out side of this process of recognition we can't know anything, even who we are.
But, But, But something is aware of this recognition process, when it is pointed out it is seen to be happening, and what is happening in it is that a story is going on, or ongoing.
The story of my "life" of what I "believe" of what my relationship to "my god" is or is not, I even call it my beliefs. Beliefs are stories of how things are, and what they mean.
This story being referred to as my faith, is this story told to me by someone else, in the
deepest part of me I know this is a story of "my" religion, and its story of what "god" is, and how all of this life came about.
What if I came up with my own story? Where would I start? What do I know absolutely for sure that I could start with? Like a clean slate.
Let's see, I am here, I know that for sure, How did I get here? Where or when did I suddenly appear? I know the story my parents told me about how I was born, but that is their story, and I'm trying to do my own. In my own personal experience is there any evidence I just popped into this life? No it seems I have always been here. That is my experience.
So based on what I really know and not what I have been told, my story would start, I have always been. (that kinda blows away a lot of old ideas). So I have always been, and then what? What comes next? Well what about my past? What about my story? Is it possible that my past has become just a story? If I can tell it then it is what it is. And, a story is a belief about what happened back there, back then. Does it exist now? Yes as a story.
So, If I am going to be responsible, and accountable, and honest to myself, I have to admit all I really know are stories, except for right now I know I am, this is real, stories are not, stories are just stories, beliefs about what is not now, or about "the future". If I remove the label "stories" then what would I be referring to about me? Images and thoughts about the past. If I removed the label past, could I even refer to anything not now? What could I say about myself without these labels, my story my past? What can I say about myself now that is true?
I could describe my body, my present thoughts, my feelings now. But as soon as I do this they are gone too. And then my descriptions become a story. So I understand I know nothing about what I call myself, this me has no history, it never came into existence in the past, except in a story. This is all being recognized, but only now. Only I only now, the rest is a story a dream.
Can this be true? How can I prove this to myself? Prove it so it is not just another story, another belief.
Let's see, Can I get away from this "now"? Is there somewhere I can go to not be here? Try.
Can I not be "I"? Can I be something else? Try.
I need to remove all doubts, can't I escape into a fantasy of the past or the future? Try.
What about if I get really drunk or stoned? Try.
What If I fall in deep love and lose myself to a really beautiful person? Try.
What if I go back to my "childhood religion" and beg forgiveness? Try. OK, I'll try another religion, that's it, I'll lose myself it trying religions. OK try.
What if I just tell myself this shit is crazy, and I don't believe any of it, and just go back to being what I used to be, before I heard about all this self examination crap, thats it I can ignore this stuff, and just not drink, and go to the meetings even more, and really pretend I'm happy, and fool everyone, and get into service, and get a better job, go back to school, yeah its never to late to learn, then get a better place to live and a really good relationship. You tried it, how did it work for you?
Tell your self I'm not aware, I'm not here now. Does that work? But here now sucks, its boring, dull, it makes me uncomfortable, kind of restless, irritable, discontent, like trying to quit smoking, I don't know what to do with myself, can't I just play with myself to get some relief?
This is no fun, Fuck this, this being here with this awareness that I'm here, is why the fuck I drank, Good now you know what to surrender to. (you thought you surrendered to some god in your imagination didn't you?) You surrender to this, you can't take it back. It's the end of you.
Now you know what your self is. Its not going to make it. That thing that can't be in the present moment, it's made up of stories about how to get out of the present, that's all it is.
But I got a bad feeling about this, can't I do this later, you know in the future some time, I got a lot going for me now, being sober and everything. Really my whole life is ahead of me, I mean come on nobody believes, or understands that getting rid of self crap that's just words in a book, not drinking is the important part. Yes, but look your not drinking now and your still suffering, whats even worse your endorsing your condition as sobriety and trying to sell it to other people, no guilt there huh? You are really surrendering that part that feels like a fraud. Yeah, but that's me. So? give it up. But I'm the only me I got.
Well at least you see that when your confronted you back away. The confront is always the same, the circumstances might be different, but the confront is the same, and it always comes now, you can never be "ready" for it. How do you get ready for the present moment, that's the "ego" who you take your self to be. Yeah but the fear. The fear is just kicking you in the ass, trying to motivate you to let go, that's its job. The suffering, the fear, the insecurity, caused by self reliance, a self you know is a fraud. The belief it is "you" is the bondage, the glue, the bad feeling s are just motivators, they are really love encouraging you to let go, but you believe their bad and want to get rid of them, come on didn't they bring you in here in the first place, you are the one judging them, playing god. So come on just do the examination, I can point this out but you have to do the work, just look inside yourself at the old ideas, do you want to keep the defects?
Fuck this,You keep saying the same things over and over and I don't feel I'm progressing. I'm sober now so I must be doing something right, I need a new sponsor, how could I have fooled myself? You got nothing I want.
And so it goes.
Surrender Now
Surrender Now
To surrender you must have an idea at least where to surrender, a point of reference, and an idea of when to do it.
It can only happen in the present moment, not in the past, not in the future.
The Conditions for surrender are called despair, suffering, fear, anxiety, loneliness loss, pain, confusion, and most importantly a sense of no way out, no plan b. and this is not negotiable.
Why would you surrender when you are happy and peaceful? Or when "things are going your way, or you believe you have a bright future?
Notice right now, try to stay in this present moment, how long do you make it before something pulls you out? Only when you believe you have nothing left to lose, can you do it.
As long as the idea that "I got it going on" is there, being in the present is boring or irritating, as long as you have something else to do you can't be here, in reality, the truth is, there is no room for you here, you are not welcome, take your shit elsewhere. And you sense this.
You won't stay where you are not welcome, who or what will you blame for this?
This is no place for the spiritually advanced, there is nothing here to be fixed or commented on, or changed, or altered, nothing here for you to do, no entertainment, no pleasure, and no audience, and before you get in, it will be very uncomfortable for a while. How long depends on you.
It will depend on your willingness to endure the discomfort, to see your fear and cowardliness exposed, your neediness dangled in front of your face, to being found out, as the fraud you believe you are, all the little dishonesties will be exposed, you will have nothing to hide your self in or behind, all that will be taken. Any volunteers? It is the last resort. Conditions will push you to it. Unbearable Conditions. You will hate them. Your last thought will probably be "fuck it".
The only reason you don't surrender is that you can't, you can't do this, the understanding of this will bring about the conditions needed for surrender.
Pretending you don't understand won't help, pretending never does. But Hey, your life is good, right? Forget you even read this and maybe it won't have to happen. Good Luck there.
To surrender you must have an idea at least where to surrender, a point of reference, and an idea of when to do it.
It can only happen in the present moment, not in the past, not in the future.
The Conditions for surrender are called despair, suffering, fear, anxiety, loneliness loss, pain, confusion, and most importantly a sense of no way out, no plan b. and this is not negotiable.
Why would you surrender when you are happy and peaceful? Or when "things are going your way, or you believe you have a bright future?
Notice right now, try to stay in this present moment, how long do you make it before something pulls you out? Only when you believe you have nothing left to lose, can you do it.
As long as the idea that "I got it going on" is there, being in the present is boring or irritating, as long as you have something else to do you can't be here, in reality, the truth is, there is no room for you here, you are not welcome, take your shit elsewhere. And you sense this.
You won't stay where you are not welcome, who or what will you blame for this?
This is no place for the spiritually advanced, there is nothing here to be fixed or commented on, or changed, or altered, nothing here for you to do, no entertainment, no pleasure, and no audience, and before you get in, it will be very uncomfortable for a while. How long depends on you.
It will depend on your willingness to endure the discomfort, to see your fear and cowardliness exposed, your neediness dangled in front of your face, to being found out, as the fraud you believe you are, all the little dishonesties will be exposed, you will have nothing to hide your self in or behind, all that will be taken. Any volunteers? It is the last resort. Conditions will push you to it. Unbearable Conditions. You will hate them. Your last thought will probably be "fuck it".
The only reason you don't surrender is that you can't, you can't do this, the understanding of this will bring about the conditions needed for surrender.
Pretending you don't understand won't help, pretending never does. But Hey, your life is good, right? Forget you even read this and maybe it won't have to happen. Good Luck there.
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